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The Captain
06 September 2015 @ 10:51 am
I wrote this email to my boyfriend last night.

I lived in the coop in Minneapolis for only about 18 months. For most of it, there was constant turnover, which was both a source of anxiety but also a phase that helped me learn to deal with transitions. But somewhere in there, for about 6 months, there was no turnover, and the folks who lived in the house lived together in what seemed an unprecedented harmony. I carry that time period forward with me, even though it is long past. It's like a little self-enclosed piece of juicy pulp in the orange of my heart. Every time I am with more than one of those people from that era, we resurrect that time unconsciously. We once more act like a bunch of 24-year-old siblings, or maybe cousins, who care about and understand each other in the easiest of ways.

Last night I got to spend time with two of them, David (and his girlfriend Hannah) were in town visiting Jason, because they're super close friends. I haven't remained in close contact with either of them, despite Jason now living in MKE, and David basically stealing my alternate future in St Paul (he lived in my old house AND has my old job...weird). Even though I haven't seen of them for over a year, it was the same as ever. This morning I woke up on Jason's floor, nestled into a pile of camping pads, inexplicably numerous purple fleece blankets, and one threadbare dinosaur blanket. David and Hannah were sleeping curled together on the futon, I glanced at them briefly and could tell how sweet they were with each other, and how well they knew each other and loved each other. It made me so very glad.

As I lay snuggling with myself on the floor I let my thoughts drift to other mornings and thought pleasantly of snuggling with you, and then let thoughts of you trickle into my consciousness. Some sexy, some sweet, some silly, some uncertain. I get really scared about the future, sometimes. Like, really scared. I don't know what to do with all the fear that seems very deep within me but is, at times, very close to the surface. I don't know what will happen in the future. But what I do know is that this morning, and for many mornings and days and nights previously, I have been very intensely glad that you are in my life. I feel really damn lucky. That feeling is in my heart, and isn't going anywhere. I'm carrying those moments, and this period of time, forward with me. That's a nice certainty to have.

I try my best to exist in a state of love, but still, every day, I'm incredulous by the amount of love just right here, ready to be encountered. Every day I am shocked to find myself in love.

I guess that's why I write you emails late at night, even when I'll see you soon. How else can I channel some of this world-love and (specific-person-love) than through words?

And also I think you'll understand, and that magnifies how great it is by like, 11 billion percent.

Aztalan State Park is lovely.

And now I sleeps.
The Captain
04 April 2015 @ 02:36 pm
My cat and I both have thick glossy hair, we're healthy as hell over here.

Five years ago I wrote "Every day in spring that is warmer than the day before feels like winning a thousand dollars"

My coworker told me and my housemate, "I love how you two always have your backpacks with you. You're always just ready to go!" It made me so happy: to be noticed, to be described accurately, to be made part of a pair. I wanted to grab my bag and my roommate and say "I got everything I need right here!"

It's true though.
The Captain
04 September 2014 @ 08:57 pm
How many times have I got tipsy by myself and danced to Prince in my kitchen?
The Captain
02 September 2014 @ 06:11 pm
The cat destroyed a spiderweb with his tail, then he glared long and hard at a giant dragonfly. He hunts and eats moths. I sleep with a bugkiller. I admire greatly how his pupils dilate as he stalks them. He has such soft paws.
The Captain
21 July 2014 @ 08:26 pm
If there is one thing I believe, it is that simmering sexual tension always gets some sort of relief, even if it is after ten years. This makes the wait more bearable, or maybe...it makes it not matter.
The Captain
12 April 2014 @ 12:02 pm
The call of the killdeer wakes something up, it is the recklessness of spring, the wish to have my tiny heart beating inside the tiny breast of that fearless bird.

It is a rainy day in Milwaukee, a hypnotic sort of spring time rain, and I am indelibly happy. I recognize this as a caffeine-fuelled joy. Cardamom should always be in coffee.

Last night I played pick-up sticks with two friends, and we got very serious about it. It reminded me of when I first got the set, and would play with Morris folks on the wooden floor of the duplex. I wanted to tell my dad that I'm still using and loving that Christmas gift.
Funny how similar and different life is now from those times I'm recalling. I miss those folks dreadfully, and wonder if I'll always be surrounded by these plaid-clad, goofy smart people who are perfectly willing to play pick up sticks for an hour.

Last night my two housemates - one of whom I've known for a year, and one of whom I've only known for a few months - and another friend (who I've known for 2 years now, but only gotten close to since last summer) drank beer, and cooked a big Indian feast (vegetable korma, garbanzo flatbread, mango frozen yogurt), toasted our jelly jars of red wine to spring break and to being together. We all expressed that cooking food with friends is one of our favorite things, and said how glad we were to be doing it with each other. No need to wonder where this joy comes from.
The Captain
17 March 2014 @ 07:06 pm
Twelve hours sunlight today. 7 am to 7 pm. Not enough sleep, I am out of tune with this equi-nox.

I've got those springtime blues. Blues in the form of hyacinth smell, red-winged-blackbird song, ice piles disappearing, wakeful eyes. Maybe not so blue after all.

Planted seeds under the nearly full moon. Thinking warm wakeful thoughts to the lacinato kale, the beaver dam peppers, the sheboygan & italian wedding tomatoes, and the geneovese basil. Wake up little seeds, give me a chance to breathe on you. You can live on my porch and have breakfast with me and the cat each morning! And Mike will be back then too, and he'll leave his dirty socks at your feet.

I was a good feminist this weekend. I made out with a dude because I wanted to make out with someone. It was a full moon after all. I told him straight up what I wanted and what was off the table, and when he asked permission for various things I thanked him. So maybe he'll politely ask future ladies for consent. You're welcome, ladies! You're welcome, me.

Biked 15 miles on Friday. It was a springtime wakeup call, suddenly speeding up life. Traffic seemed fast, the potholes were belligerent and numerous. I beat my friends to a bar even though they drove. I still got it! By "it" I mean a sore butt. That is usually what "it" means. There, I said it.
Current Mood: restlessrestless
Current Music: Hurray for the Riff Raff
The Captain
09 March 2014 @ 06:25 pm
Acceptance is such a powerful thing. It is so much of what we have to offer each other. Maybe its everything we have to offer each other. Or maybe I just want it so much more than I can ever express.

My once-and-future housemate Mike wears a scrawny pratical plastic watch, identical in fact to my current roommate's and her boyfriends. They're all college friends and quite simpatico. If someone compliments the watch, they all have to give it to that person. My roommate just ordered some new ones and gave one to me. I'm part of the club now.

This weekend I saw my best friends baby, who is about 18 months old. She took my hand right away and smiled at me. She tried to grab my tongue when I stuck it out at her, and then grabbed her own instead. She tried to feed me food from her mouth. She styled my hair with both hands, covered me with my own coat, stole the money from my pocket, and talked to my mom on my phone. I understand why people have babies just to find someone to love them unconditionally. I mean, I get it! Why wouldn't I want tiny fingers prodding my nose for the next 18 years?
The Captain
08 March 2014 @ 06:26 pm
How pointless it is to quantify the qualities of joy.

Body pumping warm blood despite the cold.
Quiet moments shared with friends, unexpectedly.
Helping a friend move and seeing his mood change from jumpy stress to calm victory, and also knowing that the friendship has been cemented.
An extra five minutes in bed with a warm, purring cat sprawled against my neck.

All joy, though I do not know if it springs from my body or seeps in from the atmosphere. Maybe it is just a matter of being permeable.

My brain feels an old familiar feels. I feel young. I am in that state of mind where song lyrics hit me like they did as a teenager. Most recently it was from American Pie of all things..."I know that you're in love with him, cause I saw you dancing in the gym...you both kicked off your shoes". That line is very evocative, I can picture and feel both the dancers and the viewer. It makes me have romantical feels.

Maybe it is just spring stirring. Everything feels so frozen yet, but the days are longer and the sun makes a dent in the ice each day. I haven't been gaga for anyone in a long time, and sometimes I think I won't again for a long while. But I know that my heart is really just a little soft shelled turtle swimming around down somewhere. Quite smooth and placid, but ready to softly emerge.
The Captain
01 February 2014 @ 01:18 pm
I sing the body electric!

Walt Whitman says:
I have perceiv’d that to be with those I like is enough,
To stop in company with the rest at evening is enough,
To be surrounded by beautiful, curious, breathing, laughing flesh is enough,
To pass among them or touch any one, or rest my arm ever so lightly round his or her neck for a moment, what is this then?
I do not ask any more delight, I swim in it as in a sea.

There is something in staying close to men and women and looking on them, and in the contact and odor of them, that pleases the soul well,
All things please the soul, but these please the soul well.

Last night at the staff party everyone was so happy, and even if they were uncomfortable that was ok, they wanted to be there and to share and to smile. We diverted the flow of adults - responsible and otherwise - to an after party, where we crammed 20 people into two big booths on a balcony of a trendy bar. We cheered and drank beers and laughed and smiled at each other through the crowd. I laughed great true belly laughs and loved everyone. We were all hugging and laughing. I talked with my secret crush about art and it only made it worse that he is moving away today.
And then we danced! There was dj hypontized by his own screen, presiding over a room of folks poised to dance but unwilling. We couldn't help it, and so down we went and just danced our asses off. In winter boots too. Hair flying. I love watching people dance and trying to dance like them, and I also love just closing my eyes and flinging my hair and my arms and my joints. It is silent behind my eyelids, something like being slightly underwater, but it is also electric.

I got drunk and strode through the city in tights and boots, with two friends, and it was cold but not too awfully cold, and the city was strange and grey and there were people skating illegally in the middle of the night and I wanted to join them.

Today I woke up, not really hungover, and lay in bed watching the new snow come down as Simon purred beside me. Then I slid around the house dancing, there is dancing still in my veins. In my ripped pajamas and sock feet, I scrubbed the floor and sang hip hop and ate a stack of pancakes. And now? And now!